My sheets look like a crime scene.
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
