Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
