i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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