I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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