I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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