Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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