i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
