I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
