dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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