Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Randomize
