Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Sext me about skeletons
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
