You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
