they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
