Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
