God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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