i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
