you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
We are two peas in an std pod
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
