i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
