I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
