my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
