The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
