There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
