The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
