I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
