hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
