He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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