Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Randomize
