i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Randomize
