She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
