My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
