i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
