All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
