Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
