Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
