stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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