hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
