i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
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