remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
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