Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
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