Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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