I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
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