if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
