She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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