Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Randomize
