I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
