I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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