Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
