just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
