Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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