Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
